


Dysphoria

by angrytourist



Series: complex anatomy [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2115519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytourist/pseuds/angrytourist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” - Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know French! I used a bit in this part, though, so let me know if it's wrong.

_Bzzzzt. Bzzzzzt._

Kaneki rolled onto his back and slung an arm over his eyes. “Damn it.” He didn’t want to look at the clock. It was probably early. It _felt_ early.

He debated the merits of tossing his phone out the window - on the one hand, he didn’t have the money to replace it, but on the other hand…. - before giving in and grabbing his phone off the bedside table.

4:00 AM. _Ugh._

Hide was awake for some ungodly reason and sending him messages. _maybe try showing up for class today?????_

Kaneki rolled his eyes. _go away_ , he replied.

The reply was instantaneous: _no come to class _.__

__When he didn’t respond, Hide kept going: _im coming to your place and you cant stop me_._ _

__Kaneki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Hide wasn’t going to let him bury himself in his apartment and avoid the light of day. Not any longer, anyway._ _

___Fine._ _ _

__He didn’t have class until eight, but no amount of hiding under his blankets with his eyes squeezed shut was getting him back to sleep. The nightmares on top of excessive worry on top of the fear of Hide finding out _anything_ had seen to that._ _

__Falling back onto his bed, Kaneki looked up at the ceiling, begging - not for the first time - for the help of a god he wasn’t sure existed._ _

__xxx_ _

__In Kafka’s _The Metamorphosis_ , Gregor wakes up one day as a monstrous insect, losing his family and his life in one fell swoop. Kaneki reread it one night he couldn’t sleep. It made him much more aware of himself in a physical way. At first, he stood in front of the mirror, wondering when the rot inside him would show on his face. Would he wake up one day, completely transformed? He imagined Rize’s organs taking on a life of their own, corrupting the rest of him the way they did his sense of taste. Sometimes he’d see his reflection and expect to see Rize’s face staring back, warped with an unnatural lust. It never happened, no matter how wretched he felt._ _

___The Metamorphosis_ was a metaphor at heart, he remembered. Gregor was hideous, but his family were the real monsters, hiding in plain sight. _ _

__Now Kaneki was one of them._ _

__Hide never knocked on the door anymore if he could help it, so Kaneki took extra care to keep it locked whether he knew his friend was coming over or not. It was an old battle, and not one he ever expected to win._ _

__“Oi! I’m here,” Hide announced. Kaneki checked himself one last time, eyeing the mirror as though it might have been withholding information. Still normal._ _

__For the moment._ _

__“I’m coming.”_ _

__“You’d think you didn’t want to see me!” Hide’s grin made Kaneki want to crawl back into bed._ _

__“When you wake me up at _four in the morning_? I could live with it,” Kaneki said frankly. Hide just laughed more and stepped inside before Kaneki could shut the door in his face._ _

__“Grumpy,” he observed. “Not sleeping well?” Hide had that look in his eye, the one that said _It’s Time To Fix Kaneki_._ _

__“Again, _four in the morning_. I was sleeping fine, asshole.” But Kaneki wore his exhaustion like an extra layer of skin, bone-deep and soaking into his core. It wasn’t the sort of thing that came from a night of interrupted sleep. The darkening under his eyes and the way his skin dulled was only the tip of it._ _

__Hide just rolled his eyes like it was no big deal, just another day in Kaneki World. Which was more or less accurate, Kaneki decided with no small amount of gratitude for the way his best friend knew how to pick his battles. Hide was astute in an almost frightening way. They wouldn’t get into it now, but sooner or later, they both knew he would drag the truth out of Kaneki._ _

__What would happen next, Kaneki couldn’t even guess._ _

__“Got any coffee?” Hide wandered into the kitchen a moment too late for Kaneki’s realization that he had no food to do him any good. “...apparently not. Are you short on cash?”_ _

__Kaneki stood by the door, petrified. He was supposed to be _good_ at long-term planning. “Ah, well. I’ve been… eating out. A lot.”_ _

__“For every meal?” Hide didn’t sound like he was even pretending to humor him this time._ _

__“...yes. Yeah. Every time.”_ _

__“With that guy, I’m guessing.” Hide walked back out of the tiny kitchen and leaned in against the wall._ _

__“Guy? I don’t really hang out with anyone but you.” Hide knew that. There was no guy. Actually, the fact that Hide seemed to think there was one was alarming in and of itself._ _

__“You don’t have to lie to me.” He looked so disappointed. “I’m not, you know, going to hate you or whatever.”_ _

__… _what_? “I wouldn’t think you would? But… seriously, I’m not sure who you’re talking about.”_ _

__“Man, what was his name?” Hide looked at the ceiling, wondering. “Right, it was Tsu-something. Weird fashion sense? If that’s your type…” He didn’t look impressed, but the description itself rang a bell in Kaneki’s mind._ _

__Tsu-something, weird fashion sense._ _

___Fuck._ _ _

__Hide frowned, walking closer. “Cold? You’re shaking.”_ _

__Kaneki shook his head. “No, I’m--” Shocked. Terrified. _Hungry_. The memory of Tsukiyama’s face was attached to a Pavlovian response in Kaneki, giving way to a terrific hunger. _ _

___Not Hide._ He thought that over and over, grounding himself. Never Hide. “I’m good. I’m fine. About that guy…” He didn’t want to bring it up or think about it or anything, really, but if Hide spent any time around Tsukiyama, there was no telling what would happen to him._ _

__But Hide just waved a hand at him. “It’s your deal,” he said magnanimously, “I won’t get involved.”_ _

__“Don’t talk to him. Or go anywhere with him. He’s…” There was no good word for it. He couldn’t admit to associating with a ghoul. “Kind of a stalker.”_ _

___That_ got an interesting reaction. Hide’s brows shot up. “He’s stalking you?” He asked it carefully, as though not wanting to set Kaneki off._ _

__It wasn’t exactly the truth, but it wasn’t a lie necessarily. “Yeah. Just… don’t mention me to him, or where I live or anything.” _Please say you haven’t spoken to him.__ _

__Hide didn’t look convinced. “You should go to the police.”_ _

__Right, the police. “I tried to file, but I don’t have much proof,” he said, looking away. He’d never been able to lie to Hide before._ _

__For a long moment, Hide said nothing. Then, “I won’t say anything. To him or to anyone else. He only spoke to the class rep, but I don’t think he knew much about you.” Abruptly, Hide’s mood shifted, smile slipping back into place. “So! I’ve got your notes for history, and the rep for your lit class gave me a copy of those, too.” He rummaged about in his bag, muttering as he tried to find them. “Right, here it is!” He handed over a bundle of notebooks held together with a rubber band. “Return them as soon as possible, okay?”_ _

__“Thanks.” Another rush of gratitude brought a smile to Kaneki’s face - a real one. Hide always took care of him._ _

__They talked for a while before they had to leave for class, Hide raving about some cafe waitress - “Touka-chan,” he sighed - and how Kaneki just _had_ to see her._ _

__“Maybe,” was all that Kaneki was willing to promise. A cafe seemed too risky. Not being able to eat would tip people off that something was wrong before Kaneki could even figure out what he was._ _

__“I’m holding you to that.” Hide shoved against him playfully. “Come on, I can’t afford to be late. My first professor is totally an old school disciplinarian. He’ll make me stand at the front for the whole lecture.”_ _

__Kaneki shuddered at the thought. “Can’t have that…”_ _

__xxx_ _

__Tsukiyama was watching him. Or at least watching people he thought knew Kaneki. Case in point: in the three weeks since he’d seen Tsukiyama, Kaneki received roughly twenty-seven texts from him. After the first, he’d ignored them._ _

__Now, he didn’t think he had a choice but to look._ _

__His first lecture was boring, and the professor spent most of the time reading off a powerpoint, never leaving the front of the room. His droning coupled with the dim lighting put most students to sleep. Kaneki took the opportunity to sink low in his seat and scroll through his received messages._ _

___Kamii U? Well done._ _ _

__Kaneki swallowed around the lump in his throat. How Tsukiyama found that out…_ _

__Most of the messages were mundane observations like, _I bought the most exquisite bouquet_ or _Stuck in traffic!_ with weird emojis. The fact that Tsukiyama took the time to inform Kaneki of his every move was unnerving on its own, but then there were things like, _I’m outside your aunt’s home_ and _Your blond friend has an interesting smell_ that made his blood run cold._ _

__Stalker, it seems, hadn’t been far from the truth._ _

__Are there guidelines on handling this sort of thing? Having a ghoul stalker who wanted--_ _

__What _did_ Tsukiyama want? He mentioned helping Kaneki for a price, but nothing he’d sent indicated what that might be. _ _

__Kaneki shook his head roughly. Who cared what Tsukiyama wanted? He was demented, not to mention a danger to Kaneki and everything he loved. This had to stop._ _

__Feeling queasy, Kaneki typed out a message._ _

___Leave me and my friends alone. I don’t want your help._ _ _

__He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until his thumb hit the send button._ _

__It took a few moments to realize he was expecting Tsukiyama to react like Hide and send an instant reply. Obviously that wasn’t going to happen, and the lack of predictability made him more nervous._ _

__The seconds passed slowly. Kaneki resigned himself to anxiety and refocused his attention on the lecture._ _

__xxx_ _

__Days passed. No response came. Not even the usual messages filled with Tsukiyama’s daily meanderings _ping_ ed into his inbox._ _

__Nothing._ _

__Maybe it was Tsukiyama’s way of letting go? It lacked the definite sense of closure Kaneki would have liked, but if it meant he never had to hear or see Tsukiyama again, he’d take it._ _

__Later, Kaneki would wonder about the timing. Tsukiyama must have had an innate sense of when a ghoul’s hungry would strike with the greatest ferocity, because it was as Kaneki cowered in his bed, fearing both himself and what lay outside his home, that Tsukiyama’s irritating presence chimed into existence._ _

___Let’s meet_ , the message said, _and your delightful companions are off the hook.__ _

__Kaneki clutched his phone tight. Seeing Tsukiyama again… No, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want even the little bit of indirect contact he had with him._ _

__Even so…_ _

___Fine. Where?_ _ _

__Tsukiyama didn’t waste a single second this time._ _

___I’ll find you._ He signed with a winking emoji. Kaneki wanted to kill him. It wasn’t a feeling he was entirely comfortable with, particularly not in such a genuine way._ _

__There was something about a ghoul’s hunger that smashed through Kaneki’s more human inhibitions. Anger, fear, longing - everything was just _more_ , like every feeling was held beneath a magnifying glass. Being a ghoul was intense. Kaneki couldn’t imagine being born that way. It was bad enough falling into it after living such clearly muted existence for the greater part of his life._ _

__And it wasn’t just emotions. His senses themselves seemed intensified. At the heights of his hunger, Kaneki could close his eyes and hear the family living above him, could smell his neighbor as he walked past his door. The hungrier he was, the harder it was to block out everything else. His focus was shot. He’d sit in class, consumed with the taste-memory of human flesh, drool pooling at the corner of his mouth as the girl sitting in front of him bent down to retrieve a fallen pencil, the motion causing her shirt to ride up and expose her smooth, soft back._ _

__He knew just by looking at her how she’d taste._ _

__Dropping his phone on the bed, Kaneki rolled over, his stomach growling its hunger and yet still fighting of nausea at his own thoughts. He’d become even more disgusting._ _

__Hope seemed so far away._ _

__xxx_ _

__When Tsukiyama found him, it was purely by coincidence. Kaneki had all but dropped out of school, overwhelmed by a ghoul’s baser urges. He spent his nights in terror, plagued by nightmares of what might happen when he finally snapped._ _

__Two days after Tsukiyama’s last message, Kaneki went to school._ _

__Not to attend class or even formally withdraw as a student. No, Kaneki went because in spite of his fear, he was lonely and feeling it at a depth he’d never before experienced. He really should have known better._ _

__Tsukiyama was in the courtyard, seated at one of the tables students used for study groups or lunch on nice days. He was alone, two coffees and a bouquet resting on the table in front of him. He didn’t look at Kaneki when he walked through the campus gates, but Kaneki expected he knew he was there all the same._ _

__He wanted Kaneki to make the first move._ _

__Left without an alternative, Kaneki made his way to the table shoulders hunched and both hands clenched tightly on the straps of his bag. “Tsukiyama.”_ _

__“Kaneki-kun.” Tsukiyama gave him a pleased smile, and for a brief moment, Kaneki tasted flesh, felt the press of Tsukiyama’s fingers against his lips. “I’m glad your here. I worried the coffee might cool before you showed.”_ _

__“I can’t drink that.” Kaneki gave him a pointed look._ _

__“Have you tried?”_ _

__Of course not, but why should coffee be any different?_ _

__“Try it,” Tsukiyama pressed, pushing the coffee closer with one finger._ _

__Reluctantly, Kaneki unshouldered his bag and sat down. He had to fight the urge to do the exact opposite of what Tsukiyama wanted - tell him to fuck off before running the hell away - before he could bring himself to grab the cup and take a quick swig, bracing for the taste of raw sewage._ _

__“And? How is it?” Tsukiyama watched raptly, taking in his every movement._ _

__Kaneki swallowed, paused, took another gulp. He stared at the styrofoam cup. It tasted _amazing_. “It’’s…. it’s _good_.”_ _

__“Of course it is. It’s _exquisite_.” Tsukiyama sniffed, offended by the paltry assessment of the coffee. “I had it imported.”_ _

__Kaneki was struck suddenly by the image of his aunt bragging to neighbors about her precious imported Parisian carpet she’d bought with his mother’s blood money, of how he thought her so petty. “Of course you did.” He couldn’t quite keep the condescension out of his voice._ _

__But all Tsukiyama did was smile more, teeth gleaming. “This,” he tapped his own coffee, “is how I can help you, Kaneki-kun. I can show you what you need to know.”_ _

__Kaneki frowned. “I would have figured it out eventually.”_ _

__But Tsukiyama would not be deterred. “There’s a great deal about _us_ ,” he gave him a pointed look, “that you aren’t aware of. Benefits,” he nodded at the coffee, “and dangers.”_ _

__Fidgeting, Kaneki took another gulp of his coffee, draining the cup. It _was_ a good brew. He missed it already. “What do you want?”_ _

__“A lot of things,” Tsukiyama said wistfully. “But I am rather curious how you came to be. You said you _used_ to be human.”_ _

__“I did,” Kaneki said. Then, “I _am_.”_ _

__“Yet, here you are. You dined with me. That isn’t something a human would do.”_ _

__The coffee churned in his stomach. Kaneki took a deep breath through his nose, praying he wouldn’t vomit in the courtyard and make a scene. “There was an accident,” he said cautiously. “Me and Rize, another ghoul… She died.”_ _

__If Tsukiyama had seemed interested before, he was now riveted, leaning forward with his elbows braced on the table. “A ghoul named Rize, you say?”_ _

__“Yeah, she died. And I almost died. The, uh,” he cleared his throat. “The doctor gave me her organs.” And nothing had been the same since._ _

__Tsukiyama said nothing at first. Then, after a long moment, he muttered, “I wasn’t aware that was possible,” before continuing in a louder voice, “ _Passionnant_! Every time we meet, you exceed my expectations, Kaneki-kun. How fortunate I am to have met you!”_ _

___Right, he’s definitely out of his mind_ , Kaneki thought. “So, yeah, that’s pretty much the story,” he said, looking anywhere but at Tsukiyama and the bizarrely enthusiastic look on his face. “I don’t know what else to say.”_ _

__“Then say nothing,” Tsukiyama suggested. “I mentioned a price, if you remember, though _bargain_ might be a better word.”_ _

__“You did,” Kaneki agreed, preparing himself to flee at a second’s notice._ _

__“Your story explains a great deal about you. Your ignorance of our way of life and your interesting smell.” As if to make his point, Tsukiyama leaned across the table and inhaled deeply. “Your scent is delicious, Kaneki-kun. Just standing near you makes me feel as though I’ve not eaten for _months_.”_ _

__Alarmed couldn’t begin to cover the range of emotions that swept through Kaneki at _that_ terrifying observation. _ _

__“I’ll tell you anything you need to know,” Tsukiyama continued, leaning away but with his eyes still shuttered in bliss, “and I’ll help you however you need. But in exchange, I want to taste you  
when the mood strikes.”_ _

__“You want to _what_?” Kanek asked, voice strangled. _ _

__“Just a bite,” Tsukiyama insisted. “You’ll recover so quickly it won’t even matter! It’s a fair deal. _Non_ , it is practically a steal!”_ _

__“You--you want to _eat_ me.”_ _

__“Taste, Kaneki-kun, there’s no reason to be so dramatic.”_ _

__“Meeting’s over,” Kaneki said, standing abruptly. “You can go straight to hell.” When he walked away, Tsukiyama didn’t try to stop him, perhaps overcome with Kaneki’s perceived ungratefulness._ _

__Let it never be said that Kaneki couldn’t stand up for himself, ghoulish hunger be damned._ _

__xxx_ _

__“I don’t regret it,” Kaneki said. He was nearly out of coffee. It was no way to live, but a week later he was still going strong. A full pot of it could abate the worst of the hunger pangs, but the longer he went, the stronger they got. Even so, he _did not regret_ turning Tsukiyama down. _ _

__The moment he fell in with the likes of that ghoul, his human life was over._ _

__He’d gotten an email from the university the day before threatening to involuntarily withdraw him if he didn’t come for a meeting with the dean and provide a reasonable excuse for all the absences he’d amassed during the semester. He didn’t reply. There was no ‘reasonable excuse’._ _

__It occurred to him for a moment to wonder how Tsukiyama had the money to buy imported coffee and ugly high-end clothing, but he quickly discarded the thought. Any time spent wondering about Tsukiyama was time wasted._ _

__Because he vehemently _did not regret it_._ _

__Sleep did not come easy for Kaneki on a good night, but the longer he went without eating, the worse his insomnia became. Six hours of sleep quickly became four hours, then two hours, then suddenly he was down to cat naps in between rolling around in bed and browsing through inane forums and watching videos of cats doing cute things. By the time morning crept up on the horizon, Kaneki was more than ready to begin his new daily regimen of coffee, water, and fits of anxiety that left him shaking._ _

__The coffee probably didn’t help with the latter._ _

__He told himself he was content to remain like that until he finally fell over dead from starvation or a heart attack or whatever, but the sad fact was that the moment even a hint of change made itself known, Kaneki grasped it like a lifeline._ _

__Morning came about the usual way: laying in bed, watching the sun start to filter in through his blinds, followed by dragging himself into the kitchen to start coffee. The difference was the smell._ _

__It was fantastic, creeping in under the door and seeping into every crevice in the apartment, promising a long stay. Kaneki couldn’t ignore it. Its draw was so powerful, he was opening the front door before he could really stop to consider what the smell might be._ _

__If he had, he probably wouldn’t have opened the door to begin with._ _

__A small box sat on the welcome mat, one of a series of tacky presents Hide had gotten him over the years. This one said GO AWAY in big, blocky English, most of which was obscured by the innocuous brown package. There was a letter, of course, and - even tackier than the mat - a rose._ _

__Kaneki grimaced. That answered _a lot_ of questions._ _

__He picked it up and brought it inside, too panicky at the thought of someone figuring out there was dead human flesh on his doorstep to refuse the gift altogether. And it clearly was a gift, some gesture Tsukiyama hoped to bring him around._ _

__The letter was short:_ _

___I hope you’ll forgive my presumptuousness, but I believe we got off to a bad start. My offer is still open, of course, and will remain so. Before you think otherwise, remember this: you are neither a part of us or a part of them, but something else altogether. Who else do you have to turn to? I humbly await your reply._ _ _

___There were no names mentioned, but Kaneki didn’t know anyone who sounded so pompous - or anyone who would give human meat as a gift, for that matter - other than Tsukiyama._ _ _

___But even so - _neither us nor them_... Not a ghoul, not a human. Something else. Something _wrong_._ _ _

___Kaneki put the package in the fridge and closed the door, dampening the smell to his senses but not removing it. He stood there for a long while._ _ _


End file.
